There is a lump. Yep, in my breast. And it's been there for about 6 weeks now. Here is where I momentarily become an example of what NOT to do.
I had a lot going on in the last 6 weeks so I didn't think I could let that lump be a priority. My dad had a mini-stroke, my rental house in the country needed upkeep in between tenants, and I was weeks out from facilitating a weekend long women's retreat. All these things were very pressing, time-consuming, energy-zapping, of course... but if I were being honest with myself, I HAD time to schedule to see the doctor. None of these things, separately or collectively, were a good enough reason not to pick up the phone I probably already had in my hand and dial the doctor's office to at least get the ball rolling.
But let me throw myself under the bus even further: I didn't even tell anyone for a month. I wanted to ignore it. I reasoned it away for weeks. I told myself "it's probably just dense breast tissue like last time". Even worse, as a breast cancer survivor, I hesitated to take action because I sometimes feel like a hypochondriac. I've gone to the doctor before for the lump "I thought I felt" or the "strange pain" emanating from the breast area, only to find out it was nothing. Also because, generally speaking, a lump that's painful is not cancerous, but let me tell you, that is NOT always true because that is exactly why I ignored the lump in 2012 that turned out to be an aggressive tumor. In the 11 years since my left breast deep-flap mastectomy, I have not yet learned to become any less neurotic and anxious when some weird pain doesn't dissipate after a week or so. I've tried. I really have. I've just gotten better at hiding it or staying calm longer because it feels so silly to be nervous about something only to find (thankfully) over and over that it's nothing or it's something... but not serious and not cancerous. I find that I hesitate to tell anyone what's happening for the same reason. Mind you, it isn't that I want something to be wrong, but it always feels like one of those "boy who cried wolf" moments when I have to inform everyone of the false alarm. Again.
When I go through this cycle I am always reminded that, for me, it is not fear of death I struggle with. My experience with cancer taught me to have faith in God's plan for me and I am so grateful for that but instead it's the unknowns of life disrupted that always throws me for a loop. After all, I'm still just a human living out this human experience of hopes, dreams, to-do lists, a vision board and being in love with all the beautiful bonds I've been blessed with.
If you got this far in reading, how many of you saw yourself in some part of this? If so, then please read on ...
So I had a mammogram today and I'm happy to report it's nothing again except for maybe a cyst, which led to a compassionate self-analysis ....
Isn't it part of the mission of the Garden of the Goddesses to hold space for authentic and vulnerable sharing?
Isn't a very important part of my purpose to model how important acts of self love are???
Didn't I just write a blog post about leaning more into my feminine?
....And how many times have I publicly marveled at the power of loving, supportive community?
Yeh, all that.
This is why I share with retreat attendees that I truly believe there are no teachers, only students. I don't have it all figured out. I don't have all the answers....and I don't think I even pretend to, but this experience serves as a reminder to all of us that its OKAY to say you're feeling scared and anxious...or any unsettling feeling. You should take time out for yourself. You matter. Your health and wellness matters! And trust in your tribe... it's okay to ask for a shoulder to cry on! And if you aren't confident that you have a support system (yet!!!!) that will hold your feelings with gentle care, call me. I'm here for you! I will remind you that it's okay not be okay and that you are definitely not alone.
Ladies ~ the lump IS and always should be a priority. Get your mammograms. Please.
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